As mothers and mothers-to-be, we constantly care for other people.
Our spouses, our children, and our jobs almost always come before
anything we want or need. It's easy to put our own desires on the back
burner—especially when it comes to love and affection.
Lorilee Craker, the author of We Should Do This More Often: A Parent's Guide to Romance, Passion, and Other Prechild Activities You Vaguely Recall,
says that women often bury their sexual desires under their duties of
caring for others. And while it's not always easy to transition from
Mommy Mode to Hot Mama, it's important for you—and your spouse—to try.
"Studies show that couples with healthy sex lives get along better,"
says Craker. "There is less tension and irritation in the relationship
when couples are connecting in that way." A woman's hormone levels also
drop when she goes without sex for extended time periods. So, the less
you do it, the less you'll want to do it.
Identifying Libido Busters
There are always reasons to avoid being intimate: You have too much
to do, you're feeling espeically pregnant, you're too tired. You're
never in the mood. Craker cautions against waiting for the perfect mood
to strike. "With kids, and a job, and a house to clean, the ideal time
may never come. Just wait for the semi-ideal time," she says.
In Craker's book, she describes "libido busters," or things that make
it more difficult for moms to feel sexy. The number one libido buster
for most couples? You guessed it—the kids. It's hard to feel romantic if
you are worried that your children may walk in on you and your spouse
at any moment. For this, Craker suggests setting some boundaries. "Kids
are total narcissists. They think that they should be at the center of
our world at all times. But we need to underscore that selfish attitude
if we are ever to have time alone." Tell your children that it's time
for you to be alone with Daddy for a little while. Even if your kids
don't like it—and they won't—it's still important to take time away to
be a couple.
A common libido buster is a woman's own body image. It's difficult to
feel sexy if we are comparing our bodies to the ridiculous standards of
Hollywood. "The more we're self-conscious about our bodies, the less we
can let loose and enjoy the moment," says Craker. What if you're
concerned that your husband may be the one doing the comparisons? Craker
says not to worry about that either. "If you have a passionate sex
life, your husband won't care what size you are," she says.
Another concern is miscommunication between the spouses. If your
husband asks for sex and you say no, he may take the rejection
personally. He may hesitate to ask again on another night. "We can't
assume that our husbands understand our moods," says Craker. "It is
important to talk with him about when good times for intimacy are." No
matter how often you are intimate, you need to tell your mate regularly
that you still love him and find him attractive.
Setting the Stage
Ready to rev up your sex life? The following are some fun tips for getting in the mood for love:
by Diane Sonntag
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