As mothers and mothers-to-be, we constantly care for other people.
Our spouses, our children, and our jobs almost always come before
anything we want or need. It's easy to put our own desires on the back
burner—especially when it comes to love and affection.
Lorilee Craker, the author of We Should Do This More Often: A Parent's Guide to Romance, Passion, and Other Prechild Activities You Vaguely Recall,
says that women often bury their sexual desires under their duties of
caring for others. And while it's not always easy to transition from
Mommy Mode to Hot Mama, it's important for you—and your spouse—to try.
"Studies show that couples with healthy sex lives get along better,"
says Craker. "There is less tension and irritation in the relationship
when couples are connecting in that way." A woman's hormone levels also
drop when she goes without sex for extended time periods. So, the less
you do it, the less you'll want to do it.
Identifying Libido Busters
There are always reasons to avoid being intimate: You have too much
to do, you're feeling espeically pregnant, you're too tired. You're
never in the mood. Craker cautions against waiting for the perfect mood
to strike. "With kids, and a job, and a house to clean, the ideal time
may never come. Just wait for the semi-ideal time," she says.
In Craker's book, she describes "libido busters," or things that make
it more difficult for moms to feel sexy. The number one libido buster
for most couples? You guessed it—the kids. It's hard to feel romantic if
you are worried that your children may walk in on you and your spouse
at any moment. For this, Craker suggests setting some boundaries. "Kids
are total narcissists. They think that they should be at the center of
our world at all times. But we need to underscore that selfish attitude
if we are ever to have time alone." Tell your children that it's time
for you to be alone with Daddy for a little while. Even if your kids
don't like it—and they won't—it's still important to take time away to
be a couple.
A common libido buster is a woman's own body image. It's difficult to
feel sexy if we are comparing our bodies to the ridiculous standards of
Hollywood. "The more we're self-conscious about our bodies, the less we
can let loose and enjoy the moment," says Craker. What if you're
concerned that your husband may be the one doing the comparisons? Craker
says not to worry about that either. "If you have a passionate sex
life, your husband won't care what size you are," she says.
Another concern is miscommunication between the spouses. If your
husband asks for sex and you say no, he may take the rejection
personally. He may hesitate to ask again on another night. "We can't
assume that our husbands understand our moods," says Craker. "It is
important to talk with him about when good times for intimacy are." No
matter how often you are intimate, you need to tell your mate regularly
that you still love him and find him attractive.
Setting the Stage
Ready to rev up your sex life? The following are some fun tips for getting in the mood for love:
Get yourself some new PJs. What you sleep in sends a
message to your mate, and flannel does not say, "I'm in the mood for
love!" You don't have to wear an ultra-sexy (read: uncomfortable)
negligee either. Sometimes a tank top or strategically tight t-shirt can
be just as effective. "Wear anything that makes you feel cute," says
Craker.
Give compliments. Saying something nice to your spouse will make you feel closer to one another.
Get creative. Many moms find that they are simply too
tired to enjoy sex at bedtime. Try it in the morning before your kids
wake up—or "nap" when your children nap.
Catch him off-guard. At dinner one evening, whisper
sweet nothings over the mashed potatoes. Your husband won't be able to
get the kids to bed fast enough!
Have a slumber party. Actually, have two. Set the kids
up with a movie, snacks, and their blankets and pillows. When everyone
is comfy, you and your husband go to another part of the house for your
own time together.
Don't be afraid to take drastic measures. A friend once
confided in me that she and her husband got so desperate for sex that
they put on a kids' DVD, handed each of their four children a fruit
roll-up, and then ran upstairs for a quickie. Well, if that's what it
takes...
Try something new. "Novelty can be a real turn-on,"
says Craker. Try a different restaurant or splurge on a new outfit. Just
get out of your usual routine.
Plan an at-home date. While one spouse is putting the
kids to bed, the other can pick up take-out. You may eat dinner late,
but if you can enjoy a meal without having to shout over the kids, isn't
it a good trade?
Hire a babysitter. Indulge in a night out or spend the
night in and escape to your own room for a movie, dinner in bed, and
some serious cuddling, while your babysitter tends to the kids
downstairs.
Surprise! After the kids have been put to bed and your
husband is picking up toys, surprise him by dressing up in your best
outfit and invite him upstairs for desert and drinks. Or on the sly,
arrange for your children to spend the night with grandparents or
friends and enjoy a date with your husband; make dinner reservations or
pick up his favorite take-out, quick change into a fun and flashy outfit
on your way home from work, and treat him to a surprise night out (or
in!).
Maintaining a passionate sex life while raising young children can be
a real challenge, but the benefits are definitely worth the effort. You
may feel selfish taking time away from your kids to reconnect with your
husband, but keeping your marriage healthy is one of the most loving
things you can do for your family.
by Diane Sonntag
